Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus

It's really hard not to think about my grandmother during the Christmas season. Her name was Virginia and Christmas was her favorite time of year.

She made little doll ornaments that were dressed like all different countries and nationalities. I have a box of them that I picked out myself and love. She made snowmen that had cute little green scarves and red hats with a pompom on the top. I have 3 cute ones that I put up each year. She made these black licorice cookies that I couldn't stand but I loved the design on them. She gave me and all of my siblings a different ornament every Christmas. I have a box with all of my angels carefully put away. One day I will share them with my daughter and tell her about her great grandma she never got to meet.

I don't remember having a great relationship with her when I was little. There were a lot of us kids and I think we just over powered her. But as I grew older and was more interested in cooking and crafts and more appreciative of what went into those things, I think my grandmother and I had a better relationship.

I remember my last days with her. She'd succumbed to dementia and was in a care home. I remember taking my boys to see her a week or so before Christmas. We wheeled her out to the front room. There was a big Christmas tree out there and I wanted her to see it. I talked to her about how beautiful the tree was. I told her about all the Christmas decorations I had up in my house that where made by her and how much I loved getting them out every year. I don't know if she could hear me, I don't know if she could understand but if she could, I wanted her to know just how much she was a part of my Christmas.

She passed away on Christmas day which was almost fitting for her. I remember visiting with her just hours before she passed away. I held her hand, stroking it, telling her that she'd put up quite a fight. I kissed her cheek and whispered to her that it was ok for her to go. That we knew she was tired and knew that she wasn't herself anymore. We would miss her greatly, I told her, but knew she was just so very tired. Before I left I gave her another kiss on her cheek, kissed her hand and told her goodbye and Merry Christmas. A few hours later I got the call that she'd passed away.

At her funeral I read a portion from her favorite book "Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus." I kept the book. I love that story.

I miss my grandma. She wasn't just my grandma, she was Christmas to me.

I Love ...

1. Where I live. Where else on your drive to Wal-Mart can you get a fantastic view of the whole valley and the surrounding huge snow capped mountains?

2. Christmas music at Christmas time (notice I said Christmas time; not Halloween or Thanksgiving).

3. Snow when it's new and the sun hits it. It looks like someone scattered glitter all over.

4. That my husband ate my nasty looking 1st try at carrot cake...and actually said it was good!

5. That my boys love their little sister so much. They love to try to get her to smile and they love all the funny faces she makes.

6. When my daughter smiles at me. It just makes my heart want to burst with love.

7. My dishwasher (and no it's not my husband; although I love him too).

8. Getting together with my family. Our conversations are loud and it can get crazy but it's so much fun!

9. Getting into bed after a long day. The weight of the day just falls off my shoulders and I can snuggle into the blankets. (It sounds nice right now even!)

10. A cup of hot cocoa. I've meet very few flavors I didn't like.

There are so many more things I could name but at the moment love #6 is calling for me.

T-Shirt Fun

I just wanted to share a couple of my new favorite t-shirts.

This is one my daughter is wearing right now:

And this is my next purchase for her:

It's always nice to have a sense of humor.

The Final Countdown...

Tomorrow I go back to work. I've been off since Leah was born 8 1/2 weeks ago. I know it's part time so I'll still be home a few days-but it's back to work. And at the end of the year I go back full time. That's only 5 weeks away. The last 8 weeks have flown by so 5 won't take long at all.

I really don't want to go back. I mean I really like the people I work with. I like the income my job brings us. We couldn't make it without it. But being home has been amazing. Spending time with my new daughter, with my sons when they come home from school, with my husband when he comes home from work (or stays home to help me out when I'm not feeling well)...all of that has been amazing. And that changes tomorrow. Well tomorrow my husband is off so Leah will stay with him. Next week she starts staying with family.

I should be happy that she gets to stay with family while we work. I should be happy that daycare isn't a part of the equation like it was with my other two kids. I should be happy that family members were able to watch her. I should be happy I have a job.

I am happy for all of those things. I'm very grateful for everything working out the way it has. But I'm still sad. Sad that I may miss her first laugh, her first steps, her first word. Sad that I won't be able to hold her as much as I'd like and look into her sweet little face whenever I want.

Being a mom is hard sometimes...but it's also amazing and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Just when you think you have it all planned out...

I'm a planner. I love thinking of the future and planning out in my head exactly how my life is going to go. Now I've been alive long enough to know that doesn't really work, but have planned long enough to know it sometimes helps. So I plan.

One of the things I do the most with planning is making lists. Like timetables of what we're doing and how it should go. When I'm going on a trip I'll get a piece of paper and plan the trip out...down to the hour or even minute. I'll look up maps on-line or anything I need to get the information to help me plan. Then I'll list it on my paper in detail. Like I said, I know it doesn't always happen exactly how I'd like it to. Sometimes it turns out better, sometimes not so well. I understand that. It's the list making, the planning, the feeling in control, that I love the most.

Throughout my life I've done this. Felt like this. And throughout my life I've been gently reminded that no matter how much I plan, how many times I make my lists, no matter how much I want to feel like I'm in control of everything-I'm not.

The end of 2009 I was thinking about my future. Trying to plan it again. I was a year & a half away from being 40, five years away from all of our children graduating, a few years later-grandchildren (fun but can be sent home), then "Kim and I time" to hike, travel & take pictures, then retirement...aaahhhh it all sounded so nice.

And once again that gentle reminder. In February of this year I found out I was pregnant and everything changed. My plans went up in smoke, my lists become unusable, my life was altered. That news was very life changing. It took a while to pull myself back together and get back on track with life.

Now as I sit here typing I can see my little baby daughter sleeping. She is amazing. She is beautiful. She is my little gift from God. She is my reminder that even though I think I know what's best for my future there's someone else who knows what I need better than I do.

And I'm glad...
because I can't imagine life without her.