The Final Countdown...

Tomorrow I go back to work. I've been off since Leah was born 8 1/2 weeks ago. I know it's part time so I'll still be home a few days-but it's back to work. And at the end of the year I go back full time. That's only 5 weeks away. The last 8 weeks have flown by so 5 won't take long at all.

I really don't want to go back. I mean I really like the people I work with. I like the income my job brings us. We couldn't make it without it. But being home has been amazing. Spending time with my new daughter, with my sons when they come home from school, with my husband when he comes home from work (or stays home to help me out when I'm not feeling well)...all of that has been amazing. And that changes tomorrow. Well tomorrow my husband is off so Leah will stay with him. Next week she starts staying with family.

I should be happy that she gets to stay with family while we work. I should be happy that daycare isn't a part of the equation like it was with my other two kids. I should be happy that family members were able to watch her. I should be happy I have a job.

I am happy for all of those things. I'm very grateful for everything working out the way it has. But I'm still sad. Sad that I may miss her first laugh, her first steps, her first word. Sad that I won't be able to hold her as much as I'd like and look into her sweet little face whenever I want.

Being a mom is hard sometimes...but it's also amazing and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Just when you think you have it all planned out...

I'm a planner. I love thinking of the future and planning out in my head exactly how my life is going to go. Now I've been alive long enough to know that doesn't really work, but have planned long enough to know it sometimes helps. So I plan.

One of the things I do the most with planning is making lists. Like timetables of what we're doing and how it should go. When I'm going on a trip I'll get a piece of paper and plan the trip out...down to the hour or even minute. I'll look up maps on-line or anything I need to get the information to help me plan. Then I'll list it on my paper in detail. Like I said, I know it doesn't always happen exactly how I'd like it to. Sometimes it turns out better, sometimes not so well. I understand that. It's the list making, the planning, the feeling in control, that I love the most.

Throughout my life I've done this. Felt like this. And throughout my life I've been gently reminded that no matter how much I plan, how many times I make my lists, no matter how much I want to feel like I'm in control of everything-I'm not.

The end of 2009 I was thinking about my future. Trying to plan it again. I was a year & a half away from being 40, five years away from all of our children graduating, a few years later-grandchildren (fun but can be sent home), then "Kim and I time" to hike, travel & take pictures, then retirement...aaahhhh it all sounded so nice.

And once again that gentle reminder. In February of this year I found out I was pregnant and everything changed. My plans went up in smoke, my lists become unusable, my life was altered. That news was very life changing. It took a while to pull myself back together and get back on track with life.

Now as I sit here typing I can see my little baby daughter sleeping. She is amazing. She is beautiful. She is my little gift from God. She is my reminder that even though I think I know what's best for my future there's someone else who knows what I need better than I do.

And I'm glad...
because I can't imagine life without her.